Steps.

With every step that I take forward, I go back five.

I’ve met my new friends, a handsome group of twenty. Seven years with them I can do.

They seem nice; they welcome me into their cohort with big smiles and open hugs and eager laughs.

But in their faces, I don’t see them; I don’t see their stories or their hopes or their souls. I see the people back home.

I see Jer’s colorful word choice and Dana’s dumb jokes and Nidhi’s snide remarks.

The twenty of them remind me of a group of twenty back home.

With every step that I take forward, I go back five.

Then there’s this big new city- exciting, filled with promises of memories and experiences.

New things to do, new people to meet, a new life to live.

I’m excited as I think of all of the possibilities. The possibilities of being this brand new person that I am or am not. Even I don’t know.

But the stars in this city are the same that shine over my own.

The same stars that I played tag under as a tiny kid; one hand on my nerf gun, the other firmly gripping my favorite teddy bear.

With every step that I take forward, I go back five.

And then, there are the loose ends.

I get the arguments; long distance isn’t for everyone and I never thought it would be for me, either, but when was giving up an option?

We’ve been taught all of our lives to keep trying despite roadblocks or brick walls and here we are, faced with just that- and we don’t even try.

Regrets taste worse when they come out of someone else’s mouth.

With every step that I take forward, I go back five.

This over-romanticized ideal of running away from home isn’t for me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited.

But the newness of it all scares me senseless.

With every step that I take forward, I go back five.

- a poem by me - 

Poems to Ponder: Icarus

Hey everyone!

Lately in my English class, we've been focusing a lot on poetry. I never considered myself to be much of a poetry fan before, but I think that this class has fully turned me around into being a poetry lover. Although I have no idea about the meaning of some of the poems we talk about in class, I find myself drawn to others. I wanted to share this one, along with some of my own analysis, with you lovely people!

Poem:

Icarus

By Edward Field

Only the feathers floating around the hat
Showed that anything more spectacular had occurred
Than the usual drowning. The police preferred to ignore
The confusing aspects of the case,
And the witnesses ran off to a gang war.
So the report filed and forgotten in the archives read simply
“Drowned,” but it was wrong: Icarus
Had swum away, coming at last to the city
Where he rented a house and tended the garden.

“That nice Mr. Hicks” the neighbors called,
Never dreaming that the gray, respectable suit
Concealed arms that had controlled huge wings
Nor that those sad, defeated eyes had once
Compelled the sun. And had he told them
They would have answered with a shocked,
uncomprehending stare.

No, he could not disturb their neat front yards;
Yet all his books insisted that this was a horrible mistake:
What was he doing aging in a suburb?
Can the genius of the hero fall
To the middling stature of the merely talented?

And nightly Icarus probes his wound
And daily in his workshop, curtains carefully drawn,
Constructs small wings and tries to fly
To the lighting fixture on the ceiling:
Fails every time and hates himself for trying.
He had thought himself a hero, had acted heroically,
And dreamt of his fall, the tragic fall of the hero;
But now rides commuter trains,

Serves on various committees,
And wishes he had drowned.

Analysis:

I love this poem for two reasons - 1, it's in easy to understand language, which is very helpful for the novice poetry reader and 2, it's so touching. If you haven't heard of the story of Icarus (which I hadn't either, before I read this poem), it's basically the story of a father and son, Daedalus and Icarus, who end up jailed for some reason or another. In jail, they build wax wings and Icarus uses them to escape. Before he departs, Daedalus warns Icarus not to fly too high. However, consumed with the joy of flying, Icarus soars higher and higher until he is close to the sun, whose rays melt the wax in his wings. He immediately plummets and drowns in the water below.

How's that for a downer of a story, eh? Basically, Edward Field took the Icarus story and offered an alternative ending to it- juxtaposing the mythical story with a modern-day setting. I think his interpretation of the story in the context of the suburbs is very metaphorical. Icarus is, in some ways, an example of the heroes in our society that fall steadily out of the spotlight. The mundane is so tortuous to these people that they prefer death to the prospect of being a nobody.

The lines of this poem that undoubtedly stand out to me is the very last couplet:

"Serves on various committees,
And wishes he had drowned."

I mean, how freaking touching are those lines? In the story, Icarus is not made out to be the kind of guy that you feel sympathy for. He's an idiot- he flies towards the sun, for God's sake! But when you read the ramifications of his actions - the fact that he tries and tries to fly every single night even when he knows that he can't? That's tragedy right there. I feel sympathy for a made up character!

"Constructs small wings and tries to fly

To the lighting fixture on the ceiling:

Fails every time and hates himself for trying."

I keep re-reading this poem because I really, truly feel for Icarus. I feel for the kind of person who goes from having everything to having nothing at all. All of his glory (although this situation could be applied to other things - money, power, influence) is gone within a second. Just like the sun rapidly melted off the wax holding together his wings, so his heroism fell. He fell both physically and metaphorically. And for someone who spent his whole life being a somebody, the thought of being just another friendly, vanilla nobody is a prospect worse than death.

Hope you enjoyed this poem! I'll see you when I post next.

Love and light,

Mal

Bollyreview: Dil Dhadakne Do

Hey everyone!

So recently, I've been deviating from the point of this blog (it's technically supposed to be a lifestyle-based) and have been focusing more on me. Which is fine, of course, but I feel like drifting away from me personally and switching over to a light, fun topic- movies. Specifically Bollywood ones.

I've been meaning to start this series up for a while now, but I could never finish writing Bollyreview posts for some reason. So, I decided to delete all of my drafts and re-start this series with one of my favorite new-ish movies- Dil Dhadakne Do.

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Plot

Basically, DDD is about a high-class, unhappy, dysfunctional Mumbai family who decide to go on a cruise to celebrate the parents' (Kamal and Neelam) 30th anniversary. At the start of the film, you see that there are some obvious fissures within the family, and Zoya Akhtar (director and writer) expands upon them as the movie goes on. To give you a short synopsis of what the characters' issues are, I've compiled a short list:

Kamal: Not in love with Neelam any more and cheats on her often. Fakes like his family is perfect, but in reality it couldn't be more crazy.

Neelam: Depressed about Kamal cheating on her. Uses food to get away from her problems. Doesn't like to see her children behaving 'improperly'.

Ayesha (daughter, played by Priyanka Chopra): In a very unhappy marriage with a guy that her dad set her up with. Her parents don't seem to understand that they are not compatible. Has a lot of business acumen, but her parents and husband don't seem to think so. Also, she has complicated ties to her ex, the very hunky Sunny (played by Farhan Akhtar).

Kabir (son, played by Ranveer Singh): Has absolutely no interest in business, but will inherit his father's very successful company (AyKa). Wants to live his life on his own terms. Has a love interest who is muslim, and we know how his ultra-conservative parents are going to feel about that...

There are a lot of characters and plot points in the movie, but this kind of a general outline.

My Thoughts:

Absolutely loved this movie. Really. I think that it pointed out a lot of the hypocrisy and craziness within the Indian community, and I think that it's very important for Indian millennials to look at that and realize that we can be the generation to change that.

My favorite character would have to be Priyanka's Ayesha. She is full of contradictions; shy yet confident, outgoing yet reserved in sharing her true feelings. I think that this really adds a lot of depth to the character. I mean, I was really able to see her for the true person that she was and after a while, it wasn't Priyanka Chopra; it was Ayesha Sangha. Also, major props to the costume person. Everyone looked so fantastic in all the scenes. Here's a little snippet for you guys:

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Lowkey really obsessed with that purple dress. And the heels. And the hair. Basically, everything.

Also, I really want to add that I loved that Pluto (the dog) narrated the movie. He added humor and a surprising amount of depth to the story. I think that Pluto was every bit as important to the overall film as anyone else.

Music:

Since this is a Bollyreview (and not a regular film review), I feel obligated to critique the music as well. I think the soundtrack to this movie is honestly phenomenal. If I had to pick a least favorite song, it would probably be the title track (it gets irritating, probably because I tend to play it on loop), but other than that, I think all the songs are really great. My personal favorite is undoubtedly Pehli Baar. It's just such a fun, upbeat song! I dance to it sometimes when I'm getting ready in the morning.

Overall Rating:

I give the movie itself an 7/10, simply because there were so many characters that the storylines weren't as deep as they could have been. Also, I didn't like the ending, but I never usually like the endings of Zoya Akhtar's films. She keeps the ending open, and I liked a closed chapter.

I'll be nice, though and give the music an 8.5/10. If you can't tell, I'm a bit of a harsh grader.

I hope you enjoyed this post. I'll see you next time!

Love and light,
Mal

Things That Make Me Feel.

Hey everyone!

So one of my favorite bloggers / youtubers Kassie (http://www.cloudyapples.ca/) made a really cool video a while back (here) called 'things that make me Feel.' I don't know why, but this video is one of those things that has just stuck with me. I was so inspired by it that I wanted to make my own list of things that make me feel.

These things stir something really deep in me; they are very essential to my person. I think that by writing them down and sharing them with the world, maybe you guys will be able to understand me better.

Without further ado, let's begin.

Things That Make Me Feel. 

1. O Captain, My Captain! - Walt Whitman

O Captain! my Captain! our fearful trip is done,

The ship has weather’d every rack, the prize we sought is won,

The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,

While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring;

                         But O heart! heart! heart!

                            O the bleeding drops of red,

                               Where on the deck my Captain lies,

                                  Fallen cold and dead.

O Captain! my Captain! rise up and hear the bells;

Rise up—for you the flag is flung—for you the bugle trills,

For you bouquets and ribbon’d wreaths—for you the shores a-crowding,

For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces turning;

                         Here Captain! dear father!

                            This arm beneath your head!

                               It is some dream that on the deck,

                                 You’ve fallen cold and dead.

My Captain does not answer, his lips are pale and still,

My father does not feel my arm, he has no pulse nor will,

The ship is anchor’d safe and sound, its voyage closed and done,

From fearful trip the victor ship comes in with object won;

                         Exult O shores, and ring O bells!

                            But I with mournful tread,

                               Walk the deck my Captain lies,

                                  Fallen cold and dead.

Also in conjunction with this poem is the scene from Dead Poet's Society. I found a YouTube link to it here. 

2. Lava

Listen to the song here.

I have a dream I hope will come true

That you're here with me and I'm here with you

I wish that the earth, sea, the sky up above-a

Will send me someone to lava

3. Yeh Jawani Hai Deewani (Movie)

Obviously, I can't find a link to this. But watch it. The soundtrack is particularly phenomenal.

4. Lucky Thirteen

A short dance film. Watch it here.

5. Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte)

I am no bird; an no net ensnares me: I am a free human being with an independent will.

---

Kind of a random assortment, huh? I left it without explanation on purpose. I think that the mystery behind why  these things make me feel the way that they do is intriguing. I can't figure out why myself. Maybe you can help me out with that.

Love and light,
Mal

Thoughts About the Future

Hey everyone!

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I feel like I start every post with 'oh my gosh it's been so long!' type message, but I've just had a lot on my plate this school year. I can't even promise you guys that I'll blog more often because at the moment, I'm consumed. Consumed with fear and worry for where I will be next year.

Now, I don't like to do this because I don't want my friends to think that I'm depressed or anything like that. But the truth is that blogging is a sort of therapy for me. I want to document what I'm feeling, when I'm feeling it. And right now, I'm absolutely, undoubtedly scared.

Let me start where it all began - freshman year. As a freshman in high school, I finally figured out what I wanted to do with my life: medicine. I could go on and on about how the medical profession fits me like a glove, but neither of us have the time for that. Regardless, when I realized that I wanted to go into such a challenging, demanding field, it became very clear that I needed to step up to the plate. My parents have always told me that freshman year was the year that changed me. I wholeheartedly agree- my motivation to do well in school skyrocketed and I became a stellar student (if I do say so myself). I began to volunteer at hospitals, shadow doctors, and gain every bit of healthcare experience that I could before it was time for me to apply to college. Even my course schedule was picked out for me to have the most rigorous, challenging academic experience. I made great standardized test scores. Overall, things seemed to be looking up for me.

During my freshman year, I also learned about specialized programs known as 'BS-MDs' which give students the opportunity to be accepted into both medical school and undergraduate school at the same time. Because I wanted to do medicine, these programs seemed perfect for me. I love the cohort environment and the strong sense of purpose associated with BS-MDs. As a senior, I applied to as many of them as I could find.

Throughout this whole process, I've considered myself as an average-to-strong candidate. I have a lot of unique experiences and I'm not one of those people who does things to check off boxes on a resume. That's just not who I am. Some of my BS-MD seeking peers do little outside of academics and school but I have completely different sides to myself- I love dance, photography, writing, and robotics. I'm not one-dimensional.

Until mid-February, I was still receiving interview invites. At first, I was excited. I had gotten interviews to schools where none of my peers, past and present, had the chance to interview at. To me, this was a great sign. Of course, I faced rejection now and then. But these were from schools that I didn't care as much about. Besides one major upset in January, the schools that I had gotten rejections from were out of state and in many ways, out of mind. Don't get me wrong, I would have gone to one of these schools if given the chance, but I wasn't broken up about not getting into them. Furthermore, I had supportive friends telling me that 'if they knew my personality, I'd be in for sure!'

I found solace in these words. After all, I still had a couple of interviews. My first went very well. I thought that it was a great program and I felt a sense of connection with the university because it was my dad's alma mater. Not to mention, I had a full ride, which was an obvious perk.

Then came my second interview. Although I don't want to mention any details here, the truth is that my interviewer asked me some very unprofessional and inappropriate questions regarding my stature. But that's another blog post of its own.

On Friday, I was soundly rejected from both programs.

In some ways, I think this weekend was the straw that broke the camel's back. Too many negative things were happening in too short a period of time. My immediate coping mechanism was to lie in my bed and cry, but after 20 minutes of that, I was done. I was not going to wallow in sadness- instead, I evolved into an incarnation that I call 'bitter Mal'.

Bitter Mal did not care about other's feelings. All she could do was talk about herself, her sadness, her pity, her her HER. She angrily snapped back at everyone who tried to reach out a helping hand to her. I pushed away people that were just trying to make me feel better and I can't tell you how much I regret that.

At this point, I don't know where I will be next year and that is very, very scary. Of course, I have a top choice program, but I haven't received word yet about an acceptance or a rejection. No information at all. And that feeling, a lack of knowing, is what scares me most of all.

The irony of all of this is that I just recently wrote a post called 'Rejection'. In some ways, I guess I should take notes from my own past self. She knew what she was talking about. It's interesting how easily we are able to advise others when we've not been in their shoes ourselves. If past me knew the status of future me's life, maybe she would reconsider the way she worded that particular piece.

I guess the point of this post is to somewhat identify where my head is at right now. I'm coming to terms with the idea that my future is not in my hands. I have to believe that where I end up going to university is where I'm meant to be. Time will tell.

Love and light,
Mal

UPDATE (3/16/16): Just got rejected from 1 of the two programs I have left. No explanation; no reasoning why. My interviews went great, too. Guess I wasn't meant to go there. We're down to 1. I didn't mention this earlier, but I have 2 Ivy league university BS-MDs that I haven't heard back from yet. At this point, it might be nice to just know.

Rejection

Hey everyone!

I feel like I've said this a thousand times, but I'm going to say it again. I'm sorry for not posting regularly- I've been swamped with schoolwork and life in general. I wish that I could offer a better explanation than that, but it's really what has been going on as of late.

I wanted to write this post because at the moment, I've seen so many people facing the 'r word' around me. I myself have gotten rejections from 3 programs at universities I was interested in attending. These rejections really got me thinking, and I want to share my thoughts on them with all of you today.

Let me start off by saying this- I've been accepted to interview at 2 fantastic schools already (both of which are really high up on my interest level), so I'm not in a position to feel sorry for myself (not that I ever think it's okay to feel sorry for oneself). I think the biggest problem that I'm having right now is dealing with this idea that someone or something wouldn't want me.

One thing that you know about me if we've ever met is that one of my positive traits is my sense of perspective. I don't get upset when I do badly on a test or quiz or screw up a dance performance. I'm not afraid of failure- I use it as an opportunity to learn. I have enough perspective on the future that I know that at the end of the day, everything is going to be alright. So that's what I'm going to do today, through this blog post. Gain a little perspective and shun the feeling of inadequacy.

The most important thing to remember, if you're like me and facing a rejection, is that you are not being rejected because they don't like you. That's important, so I'm going to say it again- you are not being rejected because they don't like you. There is absolutely nothing in the world that they would love more than to have you as a student. The reason why you were rejected was because of space or resource constraints. Remove the idea that someone has a personal vengeance against you, because they don't. You are loved.

The second part to this is realizing that if someone close to you got an acceptance, while you got rejected, this does not mean that they somehow played a role in you being rejected. You did not get rejected because another person got accepted. The truth is, they might be better than you in some way. That doesn't mean that that was why you got rejected. Just remember, the one thing that they can never do is be you. Only you can do that. Don't feel inferior- ever.

Once, when I was younger, I read a self-help book (go ahead, laugh) that really shifted my perspective and truly made me into the person that I am today. One line in that book that I will never forget goes as follows- whenever you blame your mood on someone or something, it's like you're giving the someone or something the remote that controls you. You are being a passenger to your own emotional self. Don't let that happen. This short statement has really stuck with me ever since I read that book and I try to live my life on that principle. Just remember this- don't let a rejection influence your mood. Only you can control how happy you are. Choose to be optimistic and filled with joy.

I hope this puts into light a very personal concept. Just remember, rejection is temporary. You will be okay.

Love and light,
Mal

Why medicine?

OLD POST THAT GOT DELETED! ENJOY :)

Hey beautiful people!

Every morning, I get so excited to blog... it just makes me so happy! I'm so glad that I found this way to share my thoughts with everyone else. It kind of makes me feel a little more grown up, if you will.

For today's topic I figured I'd write a little more relaxing entry, so I'm doing a lifestyle piece called "why medicine?"

If you guys read my last post, you probably know that I debated on doing this post because I thought it might alienate those of you that come here for a bit of inspiration or a dose of happiness. Hopefully, you can forgive me for this little mishap because I really feel inspired to do this piece. Without further ado, let's begin!

When I was a little kid, I shuffled around career options a lot (just like all other little kids). For a while, I wanted to be an animal biologist or primatologist like Jane Goodall, but that soon changed into becoming a veterinarian and then soon after that the president (I can see you rolling your eyes).

I eventually decided that medicine is what I wanted to do when I was about 11 or 12. Most people can pinpoint a specific moment or anecdote that pushed them into medicine, but not me. I just remember waking up one morning and thinking that I needed to become a doctor and I haven't really questioned it ever since.

Another question I get so often (it's kind of ridiculous) is if my parents have pressured me into doing medicine. My answer? A flat out NO. Although my parents are incredibly supportive and will finance whatever aspiration I have, I'm not even kidding you when I say that they sighed a little bit when I told them that I wanted to be a doctor. They're both in the software world and they think I should go to my local university, which is renowned for its computer science program. I took comp sci for a year at high school, and it literally made me want to throw up. I did terribly and wouldn't recommend that class on anyone.

So back  to the 'why medicine' aspect of this post... I guess I don't have just one answer to it. In fact, I made kind of a list on why I want to become a doctor.

1. Doctors are useful in all situations, not just the clinic. I think one of the most appealing things about medicine to me is that knowing medicine just instantly makes you more useful. Let's say that you're on a plane, and a very pregnant lady starts to go into labor. If you're a doctor on that plane, you can immediately jump in and help her deliver and coach her through the process. Yeah, the situation is a bit of a stretch, but the principle applies in all situations, I think. By knowing what you need to know to become a doctor, you have learned a skill that's useful in a lot of crises.
2. The world will never not need doctors. Another appealing factor to me is the job security that being a doctor brings on. I mean, come on. Will people ever stop getting sick/having heart attacks/giving birth? No. Being a doctor is always relevant and like my grandma says, there can never be too many doctors in the world.
3. You can make a real, tangible difference in the world. People say that doctors are used to death because of all of the patients they have that don't make it, but I think that the reverse of that is also applicable. Imagine all of the joys that doctors see! Patients on the brink of death fight off their illness and becoming healthy again. Cute babies being born! Ok, this might be a bit cheesy, but I think doctors get to see both sides of life and I think that's kind of transfixing. Knowing that you have saved someone's life, that you've really impacted the world's happiness quotient is priceless to me.

Although I could go on for days about why I think healthcare professions are fantastic, I think I'll cap it at this for now. The only drawback that I see for medicine is that it takes so long to become a doctor; your career usually only begins in your thirties. But, I don't really find this too much of a problem because in your residency and last two years of med school, you get to see a lot of patients and are their doctor more or less. 

Another thing: I realize that whenever I'm blogging it's largely to an empty audience. If there's any one of you out there that actually follows my blog, I really appreciate it! The only reason why I haven't advertised my blog in any way yet is because I'm still wary about the internet... I hope you guys understand.

Anyways, have a great day and I'll see you really soon!

Mal