Things That Make Me Feel.

Hey everyone!

So one of my favorite bloggers / youtubers Kassie (http://www.cloudyapples.ca/) made a really cool video a while back (here) called 'things that make me Feel.' I don't know why, but this video is one of those things that has just stuck with me. I was so inspired by it that I wanted to make my own list of things that make me feel.

These things stir something really deep in me; they are very essential to my person. I think that by writing them down and sharing them with the world, maybe you guys will be able to understand me better.

Without further ado, let's begin.

Things That Make Me Feel. 

1. O Captain, My Captain! - Walt Whitman

O Captain! my Captain! our fearful trip is done,

The ship has weather’d every rack, the prize we sought is won,

The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,

While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring;

                         But O heart! heart! heart!

                            O the bleeding drops of red,

                               Where on the deck my Captain lies,

                                  Fallen cold and dead.

O Captain! my Captain! rise up and hear the bells;

Rise up—for you the flag is flung—for you the bugle trills,

For you bouquets and ribbon’d wreaths—for you the shores a-crowding,

For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces turning;

                         Here Captain! dear father!

                            This arm beneath your head!

                               It is some dream that on the deck,

                                 You’ve fallen cold and dead.

My Captain does not answer, his lips are pale and still,

My father does not feel my arm, he has no pulse nor will,

The ship is anchor’d safe and sound, its voyage closed and done,

From fearful trip the victor ship comes in with object won;

                         Exult O shores, and ring O bells!

                            But I with mournful tread,

                               Walk the deck my Captain lies,

                                  Fallen cold and dead.

Also in conjunction with this poem is the scene from Dead Poet's Society. I found a YouTube link to it here. 

2. Lava

Listen to the song here.

I have a dream I hope will come true

That you're here with me and I'm here with you

I wish that the earth, sea, the sky up above-a

Will send me someone to lava

3. Yeh Jawani Hai Deewani (Movie)

Obviously, I can't find a link to this. But watch it. The soundtrack is particularly phenomenal.

4. Lucky Thirteen

A short dance film. Watch it here.

5. Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte)

I am no bird; an no net ensnares me: I am a free human being with an independent will.

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Kind of a random assortment, huh? I left it without explanation on purpose. I think that the mystery behind why  these things make me feel the way that they do is intriguing. I can't figure out why myself. Maybe you can help me out with that.

Love and light,
Mal

Thoughts About the Future

Hey everyone!

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I feel like I start every post with 'oh my gosh it's been so long!' type message, but I've just had a lot on my plate this school year. I can't even promise you guys that I'll blog more often because at the moment, I'm consumed. Consumed with fear and worry for where I will be next year.

Now, I don't like to do this because I don't want my friends to think that I'm depressed or anything like that. But the truth is that blogging is a sort of therapy for me. I want to document what I'm feeling, when I'm feeling it. And right now, I'm absolutely, undoubtedly scared.

Let me start where it all began - freshman year. As a freshman in high school, I finally figured out what I wanted to do with my life: medicine. I could go on and on about how the medical profession fits me like a glove, but neither of us have the time for that. Regardless, when I realized that I wanted to go into such a challenging, demanding field, it became very clear that I needed to step up to the plate. My parents have always told me that freshman year was the year that changed me. I wholeheartedly agree- my motivation to do well in school skyrocketed and I became a stellar student (if I do say so myself). I began to volunteer at hospitals, shadow doctors, and gain every bit of healthcare experience that I could before it was time for me to apply to college. Even my course schedule was picked out for me to have the most rigorous, challenging academic experience. I made great standardized test scores. Overall, things seemed to be looking up for me.

During my freshman year, I also learned about specialized programs known as 'BS-MDs' which give students the opportunity to be accepted into both medical school and undergraduate school at the same time. Because I wanted to do medicine, these programs seemed perfect for me. I love the cohort environment and the strong sense of purpose associated with BS-MDs. As a senior, I applied to as many of them as I could find.

Throughout this whole process, I've considered myself as an average-to-strong candidate. I have a lot of unique experiences and I'm not one of those people who does things to check off boxes on a resume. That's just not who I am. Some of my BS-MD seeking peers do little outside of academics and school but I have completely different sides to myself- I love dance, photography, writing, and robotics. I'm not one-dimensional.

Until mid-February, I was still receiving interview invites. At first, I was excited. I had gotten interviews to schools where none of my peers, past and present, had the chance to interview at. To me, this was a great sign. Of course, I faced rejection now and then. But these were from schools that I didn't care as much about. Besides one major upset in January, the schools that I had gotten rejections from were out of state and in many ways, out of mind. Don't get me wrong, I would have gone to one of these schools if given the chance, but I wasn't broken up about not getting into them. Furthermore, I had supportive friends telling me that 'if they knew my personality, I'd be in for sure!'

I found solace in these words. After all, I still had a couple of interviews. My first went very well. I thought that it was a great program and I felt a sense of connection with the university because it was my dad's alma mater. Not to mention, I had a full ride, which was an obvious perk.

Then came my second interview. Although I don't want to mention any details here, the truth is that my interviewer asked me some very unprofessional and inappropriate questions regarding my stature. But that's another blog post of its own.

On Friday, I was soundly rejected from both programs.

In some ways, I think this weekend was the straw that broke the camel's back. Too many negative things were happening in too short a period of time. My immediate coping mechanism was to lie in my bed and cry, but after 20 minutes of that, I was done. I was not going to wallow in sadness- instead, I evolved into an incarnation that I call 'bitter Mal'.

Bitter Mal did not care about other's feelings. All she could do was talk about herself, her sadness, her pity, her her HER. She angrily snapped back at everyone who tried to reach out a helping hand to her. I pushed away people that were just trying to make me feel better and I can't tell you how much I regret that.

At this point, I don't know where I will be next year and that is very, very scary. Of course, I have a top choice program, but I haven't received word yet about an acceptance or a rejection. No information at all. And that feeling, a lack of knowing, is what scares me most of all.

The irony of all of this is that I just recently wrote a post called 'Rejection'. In some ways, I guess I should take notes from my own past self. She knew what she was talking about. It's interesting how easily we are able to advise others when we've not been in their shoes ourselves. If past me knew the status of future me's life, maybe she would reconsider the way she worded that particular piece.

I guess the point of this post is to somewhat identify where my head is at right now. I'm coming to terms with the idea that my future is not in my hands. I have to believe that where I end up going to university is where I'm meant to be. Time will tell.

Love and light,
Mal

UPDATE (3/16/16): Just got rejected from 1 of the two programs I have left. No explanation; no reasoning why. My interviews went great, too. Guess I wasn't meant to go there. We're down to 1. I didn't mention this earlier, but I have 2 Ivy league university BS-MDs that I haven't heard back from yet. At this point, it might be nice to just know.

Rejection

Hey everyone!

I feel like I've said this a thousand times, but I'm going to say it again. I'm sorry for not posting regularly- I've been swamped with schoolwork and life in general. I wish that I could offer a better explanation than that, but it's really what has been going on as of late.

I wanted to write this post because at the moment, I've seen so many people facing the 'r word' around me. I myself have gotten rejections from 3 programs at universities I was interested in attending. These rejections really got me thinking, and I want to share my thoughts on them with all of you today.

Let me start off by saying this- I've been accepted to interview at 2 fantastic schools already (both of which are really high up on my interest level), so I'm not in a position to feel sorry for myself (not that I ever think it's okay to feel sorry for oneself). I think the biggest problem that I'm having right now is dealing with this idea that someone or something wouldn't want me.

One thing that you know about me if we've ever met is that one of my positive traits is my sense of perspective. I don't get upset when I do badly on a test or quiz or screw up a dance performance. I'm not afraid of failure- I use it as an opportunity to learn. I have enough perspective on the future that I know that at the end of the day, everything is going to be alright. So that's what I'm going to do today, through this blog post. Gain a little perspective and shun the feeling of inadequacy.

The most important thing to remember, if you're like me and facing a rejection, is that you are not being rejected because they don't like you. That's important, so I'm going to say it again- you are not being rejected because they don't like you. There is absolutely nothing in the world that they would love more than to have you as a student. The reason why you were rejected was because of space or resource constraints. Remove the idea that someone has a personal vengeance against you, because they don't. You are loved.

The second part to this is realizing that if someone close to you got an acceptance, while you got rejected, this does not mean that they somehow played a role in you being rejected. You did not get rejected because another person got accepted. The truth is, they might be better than you in some way. That doesn't mean that that was why you got rejected. Just remember, the one thing that they can never do is be you. Only you can do that. Don't feel inferior- ever.

Once, when I was younger, I read a self-help book (go ahead, laugh) that really shifted my perspective and truly made me into the person that I am today. One line in that book that I will never forget goes as follows- whenever you blame your mood on someone or something, it's like you're giving the someone or something the remote that controls you. You are being a passenger to your own emotional self. Don't let that happen. This short statement has really stuck with me ever since I read that book and I try to live my life on that principle. Just remember this- don't let a rejection influence your mood. Only you can control how happy you are. Choose to be optimistic and filled with joy.

I hope this puts into light a very personal concept. Just remember, rejection is temporary. You will be okay.

Love and light,
Mal

A Note About Happiness

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Happiness is such a tricky concept.

I mean, what is happiness, really? The dictionary says that it means a state of being content. That doesn't help much. What does it mean to be content? Am I happy right now?

I know that I will be asking myself these same questions every single day of my life. Happiness is so hard to define that I don't know whether I'm living in it right now or if I was happy five minutes ago. The more I delve into it, the more complicated an emotion it becomes. I can be happy for five minutes and then feel like the world is caving in thirty seconds later. Am I just a fickle person or was I not feeling true happiness earlier?

I guess my biggest worry is that I'm not exploiting opportunities to be happy. A lot of people say that the more you smile, the happier you get, but I find that the fake smile I put on when I'm around people doesn't impact my positive mood. In fact, it makes me feel worse- feel like I have to try harder to achieve the same level of happiness that everyone else is obviously feeling. I hate to be unhappy in social situations because I hate thinking that this is all I have. A not-really group of friends that make me feel the need to fake joy in order to fit in.

For me, genuine happiness usually comes in the form of a long drive with my 'weird' indie music blasting. I find happiness when I hear my brother's jokes (which are silly puns, but hilarious nonetheless) or my cat head-butting me. I find happiness when conversations flow seamlessly and without organized thought.

I find happiness in big shirts and shorts, in my blog, in rainy weather, in my mom's sass, in cute presents I receive, in the Halloween decorations I put up for work yesterday (my coworker was laughing as I blasted Christmas music), in places where I feel no judgment, in the fall, in painting and color, in inspirational tumblr pictures.

I probably will never know what happiness really is. I just know where to find it. And when I'm sad, upset, or mad, I'll never stop looking for happiness. Ever.

The Importance of Living

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Hey everyone!

Sorry about yesterday's super rambly post... I took the time to read it over again today and I realized that it made absolutely no sense. Anyways, I figure that I'd post another inspiration sort of piece today- one that actually has some flow to it.

After I wrote the post yesterday, I did take a walk. On my walk, I thought a lot about my status as a 'floater'- a person who floats through life but doesn't really enjoy the ride. I came to the conclusion that I do that a lot. I wish for days to pass by so that it's the weekend and I never really make use of my time. I am simply floating, not living.

Here's the problem with floating: I am missing out on the world around me. In a few short months, I won't be in my beautiful neighborhood any more; I'll be in college. I can't possibly float through the last few months of my childhood!

A lot of us tend to float because we think that better days are yet to come. I know that I myself have said countless times that I can't wait for the next few months to pass by so that I can be in college and not have to worry about silly high school problems. Why haven't I ever thought to live in the moment?

Enjoy every single second of every day. None of us know if we're going to be here tomorrow, so what's the use of floating? Life is incredibly fragile- don't waste it on wishing for the future. Live for today, not for tomorrow. 

Dance like no one is watching. Soak up the beautiful sunshine. Live without regret.

Just live.

Mal

Apologize.

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I'm sorry.

These two words, regardless of how little they are, mean so much. I've had to apologize thousands of times in my life, whether it be for a joke going wrong or a rude statement, And every time I've said these two words, it's been really hard.

Swallowing your ego and saying that your sorry for something has got to be one of the most challenging parts of anyone's life, especially when you've been slighted as well. It's just too easy to toss out an apology and tack on but blah blah blah. A real apology doesn't take oneself into account. It's all about the other person.

Body language is also so important when you're apologizing. When you cross your arms or roll your eyes or say it in a sarcasm-laced voice, the person being apologized to won't feel like you're being sincere. (To my one reader who probably thinks this is a dig at him, it's really not. I'm talking about myself here.) Try to put yourself in the other person's shoes and mindset for a second. If you were genuinely hurt about something and the only thing the other person does is offer a half-hearted apology, it almost makes the initial transgression worse. Try to keep your body language as inoffensive as possible.

Another thing: you have every right in the world not to apologize. Never expect apologies from anyone. Just because they've slighted you doesn't mean that they need to apologize. If you are the one that's hurt and you run after whoever hurt you asking for an apology, chances are that relationship is going to turn even more hostile than it is. Leave it be. Forgiving is almost as important as apologizing.

I've always heard this metaphor of an apology being like a band-aid on a broken plate. Does the band-aid fix the plate? No. The only thing that a band-aid does is hold the plate steady while you fill in the cracks with superglue or whatever other sticky thing you're using. To me, the superglue is a metaphor for your actions. Your apology means nothing until you stop what you're doing that offends the other person. Don't apologize and then continue doing the same thing. Don't apologize and then go gossip to your friends about what a jerk this person is and why can't they see things your way. It makes your apology meaningless.

And of course, the most important part of an apology is forgiving yourself. You make mistakes. You're human. You might have hurt someone, intentionally or otherwise, but you don't need to beat yourself up for it. Forgive yourself and move on.

Apologies are just a part of this crazy adventure called life. Mend the fence and move on.

Mal

NOTE: This post is directed at 4 guys out there that I've offended with my words and actions. I'm truly, deeply apologetic for taking you for granted. I'm blessed to have you in my life. I hope you read this post and realize that I really meant everything I said yesterday.

Staying Positive in a Sea of Negativity

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Hey everyone!

It's been a while, hasn't it? I'm sorry for not staying regular with posts recently. Some events have happened in the past week that have made me have to stay offline. However, these incidences have given me some time to think about important things in life- namely, the power of positivity.

Let's flashback to Saturday, when I decided that I wanted to watch a movie with some friends. I pulled out my laptop to check what was on Netflix. I must've not been very careful because BAM- it fell almost instantaneous out of my hands. I was freaking out, but it worked immediately after that and then again on Sunday morning, but when I tried to log on Sunday afternoon, it was busted. My friend and I tried 3 hours to get it to work, but to no avail. It seemed like my laptop kicked the bucket for good.

You see, this wouldn't be a problem if this was any other summer- I mean, it's not like I have anything to do, right? Unfortunately for me, I have a paper and poster due in a week and a half. My parents are out of the country. I'm all  alone with no laptop, no family, and no solution to my problem.

And if that isn't bad enough, I had a bad week last week. I got a test score back that I wasn't very happy about and I almost lost my key in the Walmart parking lot.

Why am I telling you all of this? It's not to elicit pity out of you, that's for sure. The real reason why I told you this whole story is to prove to you that you can stay happy and positive regardless of the situation. Staying positive is a lifestyle, not just a mindset. With the right mindset, you can tackle every single challenge that life hauls on to you.

Sometimes when things seem in the dumps, all you want to do is lie down in bed and cry until your eyes fall out. It's hard to stay positive when life seems to be hell bent on knocking you down. Anyone that tells you that their life is a walk in the park is lying- everything from the littlest ant to the biggest business tycoon is struggling or has struggled with negativity. The key to success is transcending above the drudgery and keeping your chin up. Keep your mind on the better and brighter future- it's always darkest before the dawn.

Remember, other people can control almost every aspect of your life, but only you can control how you feel. Radiate positivity, love life, and soak up the beauty in the world.

Have a great day. I'll see you whenever I post next.

Mal